Taming the tantrum - Here’s how to survive – and even prevent – those meltdowns

Toddler tantrums are a parental rite of passage, but gone are the days when parents just suffer through them or send the kids to the corner. There are strategies to help you and your child understand, work through and even prevent tantrums. 

“All behavior is a form of communication, even tantrums,” Dr. Paige Nettles, developmental behavioral pediatrics fellow with Prisma Health Children’s Hospital, said. “It is our job as adults to be able to interpret that communication and understand what a child is saying.”

To understand a tantrum and develop prevention strategies, Nettles said it is helpful to look at what is happening before, during and after to see what is causing the behavior. 

Before 

Before a tantrum, begin to look for patterns in your toddler’s behavior to identify triggers.

“We find that kids who are approaching excessive hunger, have skipped naptime or are having changes in their routine are more likely to have tantrums,” Nettles said. 

Once you have done all you can to avoid the triggers (hello snacks in every pocket and a strict nap schedule!), it is time to work on how you tell your child no. Children get told “no” all day. From “don’t do that” to “don’t touch that” to “don’t put that in your mouth,” the nos can get overwhelming. 

“Obviously there are times when you have to tell a child no, but it is easier for a child to understand and accept a no if you offer them acceptable choices instead,” Nettles said. “A lot of kids want autonomy, and while that might not be an option in all cases, offering a child things they can do instead of just telling them no can help prevent tantrums.”

During

But what if you’ve avoided the triggers as much as you can or you’ve gotten into a situation where you can’t avoid just telling your child no? What do you do when you and your child are mid-tantrum?

“It is very important to make sure the parent is in a good emotional state during a child’s tantrum,” Nettles said. “It is very easy to get caught up in the emotions of a tantrum and meet the child’s outburst with your own, but that obviously doesn’t help the situation.”

Nettles suggests parents pause and count slowly to five during a tantrum to make sure they are aware of their own emotional state. 

“If a tantrum is continuing to escalate and get worse, that might be a sign that it is time to pause,” she said. “During a pause, find a safe place for the child to continue tantruming and a place for you to step away to regulate your own emotions. Especially if the tantrum includes loud screaming, it can be very difficult for a parent to think through what they need to do to help the child, so a pause can be really helpful.”

When you need to pause, creating a safe, soft environment for your child instead of a “time out” is a great way to help you and your child regulate emotions. 

“Rather than a place of punishment, create a space where a child can calm down with soft lighting, soft music and soft surroundings,” says Nettles. “This type of space is especially helpful if the tantrum involves physical aspects such as kicking, hitting or throwing things.”

Once you and your child have “paused” and are ready to resume the tantrum, Nettles advises talking to your child with a calm, soothing voice and getting on their eye level so they don’t feel like you are standing over them. 

After

When the tantrum dust has settled, it is time to do some cleaning up. 

“Sometimes it is helpful after a tantrum to have a little bit of a debrief to help the child figure out what they were feeling during the tantrum,” says Nettles. “But we don't want to continue berating the child after the tantrum is over to make sure they ‘learned their lesson.’”

Helping your child understand and express their feelings is the ultimate tantrum prevention tool. To develop this skill, Nettles advises using picture or color charts to help your child express how they are feeling during the younger toddler years. As your child gets older, try verbalizing the feelings that your own emotions elicit.

“A lot of times a child will have feelings, but not have the words to describe or understand those feelings,” Nettles said. “Parents can model communication skills by describing how their own feelings feel inside their body. So if you are mad, you might say you feel tense inside. If you are antsy, you might say you feel like you need to move around.” 

Thankfully, with parental guidance and your child’s increasing emotional maturity, tantrums usually begin to fade in early grade school years. But if you need more help, Nettles said your pediatrician will have additional resources to help your child develop the skills they need to communicate their feelings.