When mothers grieve - Rhonda Rawlings shares her story - the sadness and the joy

Mother’s Day can mean sticky little fingers bringing pancakes to mommy in bed. It can mean endless delight. But for those in grief, the day can be grueling. 

Rhonda Rawlings knows all of it, from the agony of loss to the joy of new life. Her story – losing two of her three children – is nearly unimaginably difficult, but to borrow the words of theologian Frederick Buechner, the worst thing was not the last thing.

Her voice and face are well known. Rawlings has years of experience in broadcast media and nonprofit communications, and she radiates kindness and puts people at ease, whether in front of the camera or behind the microphone. It is that concern for others that motivates Rawlings to share her story, so others might know that they are not alone, the sun will shine again and life – imperfect, sometimes devastating, often beautiful – can be lived with passion and awe, even after loss. And it is always worth living. 

“I got married early at 23,” Rawlings said. “I always wanted a big family. I saw myself with a dining room table with six chairs, and I wanted the table full of children. I just love, love, love kids.”

Getting pregnant was hopeful and exciting for Rawlings. 

“I went to a doctor's appointment when I was six months pregnant, and we were happy, everything was fine. The doctor noticed something with the baby's heart, and they sent us to a specialist,” she said.

The news was grim. Their daughter had multiple heart disorders and would likely only live a short time. 

Jordan was born in October. Shortly after birth, she was whisked away by helicopter.

“I spent the night in the hospital with other mothers who were holding their babies, and I could hear babies crying, and mine was in another state,” Rawlings said. 

Ultimately, Jordan did not survive. 

“I don't know how else to describe it, but it was the most heartbreaking thing I have gone through,” Rawlings said. “It's a hole – to lose the baby in your arms.”

With her next pregnancy, Rawlings delivered Kristopher at 21 weeks. The tiny, far-too-early baby grew and improved. It was a hopeful time until baby Kristopher’s health suddenly declined.

“I went through thinking ‘how could God do this to me?’ Not one, but two – I had to bury two children. And I wanted to shut down. At that point, I felt like I didn't want to live,” Rawlings said. “I stopped a lot of things for a while. I stopped going to church. I don't think I realized that when I was going through it, but I stopped talking to a lot of friends. I just sort of went into a hole.”

Faith had always been important to Rawlings. She said a crossroads for her came about a year later, when she found the strength to attend a church service and began to seek counseling. 

“I felt betrayed by God and just didn't really see how I could ever be happy again,” she said. “I really felt like I would never be happy again. And so that moment was a turning point for me. I went to the church service and sought counseling, because you feel like there's no one that will understand your pain.”

Why share her story now? Rawlings wants to be a safe person and a place of hope for others who are suffering this Mother’s Day and every day.

“People will say things to you at the time, ‘things happen for a reason,’” she said. “I even remember going to get my hair done one time, and people were talking and they didn't know what I had gone through. I remember someone saying, if somebody loses a child, it's God's way of punishing them for something someone else did in the past. It was horrible.”

The grief never leaves, but the sharp edges are smoothed enough that Rawlings lives in joy. Her adult son – “the absolute joy of my life,” Rawlings said – is a big part of that, though she is sensitive to the fact that the path to parenthood is different for everyone. Part of her life’s mission now is to walk beside others who grieve and to let them know that there is hope. 

“I think it took me years to be able to tell the story,” she said. “When someone today is going through that, when someone has lost a child, or when someone is grieving in any way, I can say I understand what you're going through – not just to say I understand what you're going through, but because I've been through it. I know those feelings of hopelessness and a feeling like you'll never be happy and feeling like you'll never see the sun again. I really want to reach out to people, to let them know that there will be brighter days, and to let them know some of the things I did to have a happy life and to enjoy life. I truly believe that we're here in this life to share our experiences with other people who are going through a hard time.”

Rawlings said anyone who is grieving should know that there is no timeline for it. 

“I want to really emphasize to people not to feel ashamed for how long you grieve, because everyone grieves differently, everyone's emotions are different,” she said. “There may be people in your life who say you should be a little bit past this by now, but that's not the case.”

For birthdays, holidays and special occasions, Rawlings celebrates her first two babies by collecting angels. She encourages others to find some way to honor those they have lost in a way that feels positive for them.

“Be intentional about planning something that will lift you up,” she said. “Be really intentional about caring for yourself and honoring your feelings and your emotion. Look at it as ‘this is what I'm going to do today to celebrate my loved one.’”

Counseling was a key factor in Rawlings’ life and she said seeking help should not carry any stigma. It can be important for living life abundantly.

“I want people to know that you can get through the darkness, you can be happy again, you can enjoy life again,” she said. “I think resources are really, really important. Always reach out to someone.”

As she celebrates her son and the babies she lost, Rawlings has found that life is rich and worth living and sharing. The grief is softened by the love she carries. And she wants others to know it can be that way for them as well. 

“When I say my prayers, I always say, ‘God, if there's any way, let my mother know, my father know how much I still love them, let my children know how much I still love them – as much today as I did then and as much as I love my son who is with me now,’” she said. “That love never ends. And that's where the grief is. Grief is just the love that was there and the love that will never, ever leave.”

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and yes, the month also includes Mother’s Day and Memorial Day. You are not alone in your grief. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org.