Raise a dog…or a kid: Tough choice - The Funny Business of Parenting

I spoke with a group of experts recently about whether dogs or people are easier to raise. The verdict, after heated debate: grownups who like peace and quiet should stick to dogs, since they don’t bark as much. 

Here are the conclusions, based on solid unscientific evidence and possibly the opinions of a highly qualified team of 9-year-olds. If you’re on the fence about parenthood, you can rely on this information to make an intelligent decision. “Or, just rock-paper-scissors it – that works for most stuff,” said one of the experts, who may or may not have been in a hurry to get back to playing basketball. 

Both kids and dogs: 

• behave for a fun treat (or the promise of a treat, i.e., candy or a pony, but deliver it fast.) 
• can sense a grownup’s mood, using it to their full advantage with strategic requests for treats. 
• might attempt to comfort you if you’re sad, but know that those treats are still on their minds. 
• know when you’re lying or faking it so don’t even try, unless you’re a trained actor who is also blessed with a great amount of natural talent. 
• borrow your things and may bury them in the backyard. So, don’t get too attached to your things. 
• stand on furniture, might rip it beyond repair and will most certainly stain it, while you’re distracted. So, don’t get too attached to your furniture. 
• are interested in bodily fluids, solids and other awkward topics a grownup would like to avoid. 

The differences between kids and dogs are that: 

• while both kids and dogs can be loud, at least dogs don’t speak English and can’t be snarky. 
• they both cost money to feed, but kids are pickier and will eventually eat more than any dog could. 
• you can get an emotional support dog, but the reason you may need one is because you have a kid. 
• even though kids and dogs both appreciate simple things like going for walks, kids would much rather play computer games, so you have to get those if you have a kid. 
• some dogs shed more hair, but kids sneeze more often, especially when playing sick to get out of doing work. 
• in a perfect world, live unicorns would be available, in every size and color. 

Important questions to ask that might help with your decision: 

• Would you enjoy walking a dog on a leash, which is normal, or walking the kid you have to put on a leash, which is embarrassing? 
• Which would you rather hear at 6 a.m.: “I’m hungry, can we have homemade pancakes” or “bark, bark?” 
• Wouldn’t getting a couple of fish be easier? 

Pam J. Hecht is a writer, instructor and mother of two (but not necessarily in that order). Reach her at pamjh8@gmail.com orpamjhecht.com.